thinking about miniature horses, chicken and roof shingles

I don't know where to start...

I am upset and sad and selfish.

A very dear friend of mine has been in a very difficult predictament for quite a while and he finally made a decision to save himself the grief. He has decided to quit graduate school and move back to his family farm in Maine. Tonight we are all going out to celebrate his new freedom. But I don't feel like celebrating.

I feel like crying.

Cam made this decision suddenly and it came as a shock to us all. And I don't understand how I'm supposed to process it, be happy for him and wish him well inside of three days.

I just don't think it's fair to me. (And of course, this is so all about me...)

Cam has been a foundation for many of us and a source of inspiration to me.

The best trip I've ever gone on, I went with him. We were playing road games in the car, heading to Mammoth Cave in Kentucky. We weren't really paying attention. Obviously... We ended up in St. Louis. Five hours the wrong direction. The three of us who had made this error of a journey together finally arrived at Mammoth Cave at 3 am. It was a great weekend. We explored caves, we rock climbed, we dry-bobsledded down mountains, we had chicken fights (Cam and I won), we had campfires and hotdogs and corn and beer and laughter. On the ride home, we all agreed that the best part of the whole experience was the ride down. How do three people extend their car ride essentially by ten hours and still have a good time? Because we were together.

Beginning this post, I was upset. But after telling that story, I've come to realize that Maine isn't that far. And after all we've been through and all we've meant to each other, we always will find a way to be together.

It doesn't mean that I won't miss you every single day, Cam.

You are a great friend.

You always will be.

I still can't say "fireplace" without cracking up.